A Modest Proposal

I have become very disillusioned by all the infighting and stalling in Washington. The Republicans are more concerned about regaining power and hamstringing President Obama than they are about helping to get this country out of the hole they dug. President Obama appears to have left his spine somewhere on the campaign trail, because he hasn’t shown it since he arrive on Pennsylvania Ave.

So I think I may have a solution. Here is my modest proposal:

Let’s just leave the Bush era tax cuts in place for the wealthy. We can let them run out for the rest of us. Truthfully, that few hundred dollars isn’t going to make a difference for most Americans. Then we should let the unemployment benefits run out for everyone who isn’t working. Let’s be serious. Those meager checks aren’t going to keep anyone afloat much longer. You who aren’t working are going to lose your homes. Promise. You are going to default on your credit cards and car loans. It may not happen this month, but it will happen. Who are we kidding? And it’s not like the banks are going to start lending and businesses are going to start hiring. That’s years away. Probably after 2012.

So, then we should take the 15 million people who are now destitute and make them indentured servants to the wealthy. We could do something like for every $10,000 in bonuses that the average Wall Street banker or hedge fund manager makes, he should get ten indentured servants. Then, those servants could be rented out to take the place of the 11 million illegal aliens currently in “skilled labor” jobs. The other 4 million servants could do something like pick fruit. The companies who employ these servants could then be given a tax break for employing these lay-abouts. Or those 4 million people could build the Halliburton National Border Wall and Moat.

Additionally, NPR should have all of it’s funding withdrawn. Not just the public funds, but all the private donations. That organization cannot be trusted to give a fair and balanced perspective. So….NPR should be sold to FOX and renamed National Palin Radio. We wouldn’t even have to change the call letters. (Do we really want to give money to some progressive, probably homosexual designer to come up with something new?)

And speaking of THOSE people, the Defense of Marriage Act needs to be bulked up and renamed. I was thinking something like the Defense of White Christian Heterosexuality Act. That should cover most of our social problems. The rest can be solved by getting rid of the 10% of Muslims that Glenn Beck has branded as terrorists and allowing Tea Party National President Judson Phillips to change the voting laws so that just land owners can vote. That will certainly cut down on wait times on election days. Plus for the rest of us, we can just get back to work.

I also think once and for all the truth about 9/11 needs to come out. It was an inside job. Financed by the Nazi Billionaire George Soros, the Clintons orchestrated the attacks as a way to undermind and derail the Bush administration. It’s obvious. Had Soros and the Clintons not done this George Bush could have focused all his energy on shoring up the levees in New Orleans before anything bad happened. Why? Because George Bush loves black people. Duh.

Well, those are a few ideas. Anybody got anything better?

Getting around in New York

So, I’ve been here a month. And I’ve learned a few things that I will share with you now.

Driving in New York is foolish. There is almost no reason to own a car. I have to invent excuses just to use my car. Twice a week, they clean our street, one side on Tuesday and the other on Thursday. So once a week, for two hours I have to move my car, double park on the other side and let the dirt Zamboni make its way down President St. And God help you if you are one of the people who is on the side that get’s double parked in. You are stuck. What I do, is use that 2 hour window to drive around, run errands and get the oil flowing through my engine again. Last week I drove to the local Costco and bought cases or Seltzer water. (If you want to be a true East Coast Elitist, you have to drink Seltzer. It’s the law.) This week, I intend on visiting the Brooklyn Museum. Next week, I might get crazy and drive into New Jersey!

Do you know why the New York marathon is the biggest marathon in the country? Because people in New York don’t walk. They run. All the time. Or at least that is how I interpret it. I am a good foot taller than Elizabeth. My legs are much longer than hers, but when we walk down the street, I have a hard time keeping up with her. And it isn’t just her. People here really know how to move. Now it could be my five years in Austin. There I learned how to mosey and am very good at it. When I walk, you can here Dale Evans and Roy Rogers singing “Happy Trails”. I stroll. I’m not in a hurry. In New York, everyone is always five minutes late to where ever they are going and where ever they are going is the most important place or event in the world. Little old ladies cruise by me, even when I am trying to walk fast. It’s kind of embarrassing. I hope that as time passes, I too will be able to cover the streets of the city like a Gazelle. Right now, I just try to stay to the right. Although that can be a challenge, because much like Gazelles or Antelope, New Yorkers never move in a straight line. They are always weaving, even if there is nothing in front of them. I suppose that keeps the snipers from hitting them….

I am in love with the New York City Subway system. And like any loving relationship, sometimes I wish I had a gun. Most of the time, the subway runs very well. It gets me from where I am to where I am going in a reasonable fashion. But when it goes bad, oh man oh man. My numbers may be a little fuzzy, but around 945 billion people ride the subway in NY each day, (give or take a billion). So if say a train derails, or someone has a heart attack or there is a fight that requires the police to show up (ALL of these things have happened in the past 4 weeks while I have been commuting) then the entire system slows or stops. And that can be frustrating, tiresome and hot and sweaty. On the other hand, there is every type of person you can think of on the New York City Subway at any given time. Want to see three different types of Jews all within 10 feet of each other? Got you covered. Throw in an Iranian and a Palestinian as book ends? Done. Looking for cross dressers? Name your flavor. Smelly people? The New York City Subway is an olfactory smorgasbord! And let’s talk about crazy people and religious zealots! Holy Crap! It’s a non stop festival of wacky! I used to have a bad habit of falling asleep on the El in Chicago or the Subway in Los Angeles. Not happening here. Too much going on. Now I am trying to perfect my subway soundtrack. I put my MP3 player on and try to find music that is appropriate. Here’s what I have deduced so far. Music made by people who were probably riding subways while they were starting out as artists is usually the best. Here are the bands or musicians so far that pass the subway test; The Who, Isaac Hayes, Jim Croce, Billy Bragg, The Nails, Billy Joel, Del Amitri, Fine Young Cannibals and Miles Davis. These artists, so far make the ride on the subway all the more enjoyable.

If you have never been to New York City, you are depriving yourself. I am very much enamoured with this place. The people, the sights, the sounds and the smells all make for an amazing experience that really can’t be described. Come. Visit. We can go for a run….

No Sleep Til Brooklyn!

Not the case actually. I had very nice visits with Sheri, Amy, Scout and Tate in Houston. I spent a day with Joey, Dan and lovely Miss Danielle in Atlanta. I crashed with Ski and Karen in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Their hospitalities made my cross half the country trip very pleasant. I even got a chance to see my friend Theresa who I haven’t seen since, well since before we both had grey hair.

And after 1900 miles and 5 days I have arrived in Brooklyn! I now live at 188 President St. Apartment 4 Brooklyn, New York 11231(pictured above) with Elizabeth Zechel. I also live with Newt and Lewis, two cats who are having a very hard time getting used to me. On previous visits they were skittish, but curious. This time I showed up with lots of stuff and I think they are getting the idea that I may be here to stay.

For those of you who don’t already know, Elizabeth is a woman that I dated around 20 years ago back in Chicago. She is a kindergarten teacher, a children’s book author, an illustrator, a fabulous cook and just an all around cool chick. And I kinda like her. A lot.

I am still trying to wrap my old mind around the fact that I live here. I’m not just visiting this time. I reside here. In New York. In Brooklyn. It’s crazy. I always wanted to live in New York. I just never had the reason, or the cajones and now I do.

So what’s the neighborhood like? It’s great. Carroll Garden is around a mile or two south of the Brooklyn Bridge. It is a traditionally Italian neighborhood and many of the residents look as though they at least made call backs to be on the Sopranos. It is a clean, quiet neighborhood with great shops and restaurants and two awesome bakeries.

We even have one crack/heroin/gummy bear house, just three doors down from us! But today I saw a heroin addict yell at a bunch of crack heads to get off his stoop. And that was promising. They may be junkies, but at least they’re house proud! Gotta love that.

Today we went to the farmer’s market at Burrough Hall. I felt like Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail, walking and shopping with a cute blonde. You know, life is pretty good.

This blog will be here to chronicle all the fun, new and crazy things I discover in New York. Hope you come back and read it from time to time.

Eric